-- Regarding Team USA's flop in World Cup play recently: Every week a million people sneak across the border from Mexico. You'd think at least 11 of them could play soccer ... After four years of training, our team attempted four lousy shots in three games. Kobe Bryant takes that many during a timeout ... Host Germany has cigarette vending machines and bakeries on every street corner, plus 6,000 varieties of sausage. The average life expectancy there must be 14.
-- Been a while since the Tigers have been in first place. Last time they were any good, Berlin had a wall and Michael Jackson had a nose ... First new Busch Stadium hot dog sold for $270 on eBay ... A lot of players chose not to use Mother's Day pink bats (in support of the fight against breast cancer) because they thought it would make them look silly--as they slobbered tobacco juice and adjusted their crotches ... Former Dodger Don Sutton's mom was 14 when she gave birth to him. "Most kids at that age had 4-H projects. My mother had me," he proclaimed ... Red Sox pitcher Jonathan Papelbon must be sick and tired of all the fancy mustard jokes ... Did you know Braves pitcher John Smoltz once burned himself while ironing a shirt that he was wearing? ... In 1971, 13-year-old Debbie Sivyer won the hearts of Oakland A's fans serving the umpires lemonade and chocolate chip cookies she baked herself. Later she married and became a multimillionaire by founding Mrs. Field's Cookies.
-- According to foremost arthropods authority Kevin Rosdahl, the world's longest insect is the Stick Insect--22 inches in length.
-- Ex-USC quarterback Matt Leinart is now dating ding-bat Paris Hilton--guess she graded out well on film ... Terrell "the butter has slipped off his pancake" Owens has his own football youth camp. It's two days for $185, but you can beat T.O. down to $140 if your kid threatens to disrupt the camp.
-- President Bush called the Miami Heat to congratulate them on their NBA title. The Mavericks shot so poorly, they got a phone call from Dick Cheney ... See where Rockets' Juwan Howard is accused of shoplifting designer sunglasses. His probable legal defense--"He was framed."
-- Our favorite athlete for the year 2006 is Jason McElwain, the autistic student manager from Greece Athena High School in Rochester, N.Y., who came off the bench back in February and hit six 3-pointers in the final four minutes in his only appearance all season. He then went back to picking up smelly towels without whining. His pure joy in playing reminded us why we love sports! v -- In closing, this from award-winning hospitality specialist Susan Goodwin: What did the bald man say when he got a comb for his birthday? "I'll never part with it."
(Some of the information in this column was obtained from other news organizations)