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Around Here

By Leo Coughlin

If you think, as many of us do, that this country is heading for h-e-and two sticks in a hand basket, this latest information dredged up off the Internet, will confirm your worst suspicions.

I take no credit for enterprising reporting in passing this on to you. What's happening nationwide is probably happening around here, too.

All this corner did was alertly espy this information on that flooded to the gills information pool out there in space, floating in some great beyond and accessible through the magic of computers.

Don't ask me how it works. I can't explain one of the early technological breakthroughs - the radio - to you. I mean, how can sound go through the air and be translated into words? As for pictures (television) I don't even want to think about it.

But here it is, information that will confirm your worst, nightmarish thoughts. See if you don't think it is true in some great part.

Our illustrious Congress, it seems, is now considering sweeping new legislation, which will provide greatly improved benefits (in the view of some) for many Americans.

The Americans with No Abilities Act (AWNAA) is being hailed as a major legislative achievement by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition, this report says.

"Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said one senator.

"We can no longer stand by and allow people of inability to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they do a better job, or have some idea of what they are doing and why they are doing it."

Still with me?

Then the success of the U.S. Postal Service was pointed out. The USPS has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without any regard to performance. According to some, about 74 percent of postal employees lack job skills, making this agency the single largest U.S. employer of people of inability.

Not true in all cases, certainly, but true enough to be the most criticized aspect of government - witness the Largo post office as a supreme example.

Private sector industries with good records of favoring the inept include retail sales, the airline industry, and home improvement "warehouse" stores. The DMV also has a great record of hiring people of inability.

Under the proposed Americans with No Abilities Act, more than 25 million "middle man" positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing job satisfaction and an illusory sense of purpose and performance.

Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given, to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable and less gifted employees.

The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations which maintain a significant level of people of inability in middle management positions, and gives a tax credit to small and medium businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.

Finally, the AWNA Act contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the incompetent, banning discriminatory interview questions such as "Do you have any goals for the future?" or "Do you have any skills or experience which relate to this job?"

"As a non-abled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them," said one individual who lost a job as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, Mich., because of a lack of notable job skills.

Okay - it's all fiction. There is no such pending law.

But prevailing circumstances made you think the proposition is true, right?

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