Don’t get fresh with me

I just formed a think tank called Kelly’s Klassics to provide catchy advertising slogans. I figure that if Wall Street PR firms can knock down millions for lame catchphrases like “Pizza! Pizza!” for Little Caesars, it’s worth doing some comparison research.

First up is “Eat Fresh,” a Subway motto. It’s a curious declaration considering that the sub meats are trucked to each unit already packaged and sliced. In fact, “fresh” is overused for so many products that the word now lacks credence. Just try walking into a supermarket or restaurant and asking if the fish is fresh – no one is going to reply, “Nope, it’s been sitting around for days but the boss said to sell it anyway.”

Another dubious slogan is a message Olive Garden blatted for 14 years: “When you’re here, you’re family.” Really? Never once while dining at Olive Garden did any server pick up my check – a gesture expected at least occasionally by a family member. It would also normally be considered an insult to leave a tip for mom or dad at their dining table.

Double meanings might not play well with some people either, such as Taco Bell when it insisted to “Think outside the bun.” I seldom think about my buns, thank you, much less outside them. In the same way, for a long time AT&T suggested that we “Reach out and touch someone,” an action that could result in serious consequences.

Slogan’s sometimes become invalid.

Gerber used to proclaim that “Babies are our business, our only business,” until deciding to also sell products like knives and toilets.

Walmart recently changed its slogan to “Save money. Live better.” Frankly, I’d live better shopping at Walmart if they would supply shopping carts with wheels that didn’t thump like jackhammers.

Some slogans carry unreasonable expectations.

For example, “The Breakfast of Champions” has long been on the boxes of Wheaties along with a pic of an athlete like Michael Jordan or Tiger Woods. Does anyone actually believe that eating Wheaties would make it any easier to win an NBA championship or The Masters?

“The Most Interesting Man In The World” beer ads by Dos Equis are the coolest. And since Kelly’s Klassics needs to get off the ground, I hereby offer Dos Equis the following 11 slogans for their most interesting man:

• Spilt milk cries over him.

• Harm stays out of his way.

• He can kill three birds with one stone.

• He’s first served even if he doesn’t come first.

• His water is thicker than blood.

• Clouds envy his silver lining.

• He could build Rome in a day.

• For him, good things don’t come to an end.

• He only needs one to tango.

• He can judge a book by its cover.

Okay, that’s only 10. Fact is, I’ve plum run out of creativity, so it’s time now that I “Grab life by the horns,” “Do the Dew” and hope it’s “Good to the last drop.” As “For everything else, there’s MasterCard.”

Doug Kelly, a resident of Clearwater, is a book author and freelance writer.

Trending Now